A. Acceptance
It's a gift. A gift to yourself; a gift that helps make life a little less difficult.
Acceptance. It should be so easy. Stuff happens, things exist, people have opinions, feelings surface . . . you accept it. Deal with it or ignore it. Move on.
But no, it’s not always quite that easy, is it? Well, not for me. I’ve always underestimated the value of acceptance. And I’m not talking about just bad things, I’ve always struggled with accepting good things too. Compliments are the worst. Whether it’s the trivial (‘Your hair looks lovely’) or something more seemingly important (‘We wouldn’t have succeeded without you’), I find it very difficult to simply acknowledge and accept positive comments with a smile and a warm glow. ‘Why can you never take compliments?’ complains my husband on a regular basis. I’m quite surprised he’s not given up offering them after all this time. But I’m glad he hasn’t. Thankfully, he accepts what I’m like, though likes to remind me that change might be helpful.
We have no choice but to accept most things in our life. I mean, how much are we actually in control of? One thing. Just one thing: ourselves. We control our reaction to outside influences and events. The rest? The rest we must accept.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we are powerless. Absolutely not. There is acceptance and then there is reaction. You might accept that someone smashed into your car and totalled it, but it doesn’t mean you can’t go after them for financial recompense. You might accept that someone is telling you that you are a worthless human being, but you absolutely don’t have to believe it.
Many years ago, my mum died in an accident. I was nearly forty and yet it took me about three years to accept her death. Three years! Three years of railing against the fact she wasn’t here; three years of looking for answers to unknown questions about her death; three years of being angry and sad and confused; three years of ‘It’s not right. She should be here.’
Because I didn’t accept her death, my reaction brought me pain and loss over and above the ‘normal’ grief. When I managed to finally accept her death, I could smile when I thought about her, and laugh when I remembered silly moments we shared. I could at last look at photos of her beautiful face again without crying or having to look away because it hurt too much. I could treasure her love in a way that made me feel happy because I’d known her, not bitter because she wasn’t there. Yes, I still missed her, but I now had her back in my life . . . and still do.
From someone who has learned the hard way about acceptance (and still has learning to do), here are a few thoughts that might help if you too struggle with this:
Compliments and offers of help: Take with gratitude. Allow that person to make you smile — it does you both good. Pass it on. We all need kindness.
Anger, hatred, insults: Accept that the person has an opinion and a problem, but don’t give credence to negatives being thrown at you if it becomes a personal attack. In fact, it’s about the only time I can think of where not accepting is the right thing to do; you don’t have to accept their negative view of you. Stay calm, don’t allow vitriol in. Allow the person’s viewpoint but be clear that it is not how things are for you. If possible, remove yourself from their presence as soon as possible.
Opinions: We’ve all got them. Listen and perhaps learn. Allow people to have their opinions. You don’t have to agree, but neither do you need to tell them they’re wrong. If you disagree, you can simply put forward another point of view and hope that they listen too. Don’t fight unwinnable wars (unless it’s your job to try!).
World events: Climate change, war, poverty, famine, homelessness, deforestation, terrorism . . . We understand these things are happening and we all have a choice: accept and do nothing or accept and do something, however small in the scheme of things: donate money, plant a tree, lobby governments, choose not to fly, become vegetarian, listen . . .
Currently, I’m working on accepting various things:
I have chronic fatigue and I can’t do everything I want to.
We are not doing enough about climate change and biodiversity decline.
I am totally rubbish at not eating chocolate and biscuits.
Bindweed and horsetail is taking over my garden.
The UK’s NHS (National Health Service) provision for people with mental health issues is seriously underfunded and, consequently, life-threateningly bad.
And the list goes on, but I’m trying.
What about you?
Have a good week ahead.
PS: Next week, I might talk about ‘Birch’. But don’t hold me to it. I accept I might change my mind ;-)